So it’s been five days since my last post and that is because I have had an emotion explosion.
I get these from time to time where I am so overwhelmed by EVERYTHING that I literally explode emotionally and end up not being able to function.
So everything has backed up again… dishes are piling up…washing is piling up…folding is piling up…house is getting messier….BUT! I have survived! I’ve survived my episode and it’s only taken me a week.
Now a week may sound long to some but I used to be out for months after my marriage breakup. I have come a long way since then and the times are shorter and more sparced out.
I’ve managed to attack the evil corner of the house so that it has gone from the above photo to:
I felt some accomplishment and pleased that we only have 3 plastic boxes of “storage” items.
So what triggered this episode? I’ve pinpointed it to when I was asked when the children came back. I had been enjoying my week off, getting the house looking nice, keeping up a cleaning and washing routine and just focusing on maintaining these.
That one question threw me head first into the reality that what I’d been setting up was going to be disturbed and potentially destroyed.
When the children return I always have some fear. Fear of how they will return emotionally. Fear of the attitudes they may bring back. Fear of how to deal with them. Fear of the unknown….
It is a fortnightly ‘thing’ I have to cope with and you’d think I’d be used to it by now…..alas…..that is not the case.
Some weeks I’m fine but other weeks I’m freaking out! I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to educate the best way I can, morally in particular, and I can sometimes look too far into the future of how I believe they may turn out and go…”what’s the point!? It’s all in vain!”
So I get overwhelmed. I then need to put on a strong face for my children (though they are all very perceptive) and hold myself from explosion.
Cultivating self control is a constant struggle for me. But I keep on trying and it is getting easier.
I am feeling much better now but still have sensitive emotions and usually feel this way until the children go back to their respective families. I’m hoping to find more efficient ways of coping with this and have been looking into relationship counselling specialised in blended families.
I’ll post my findings/experience with this as the time arrives.